The Essence Of My Becoming Lyrics

I woke up in the midst of a dream
only to find I was still dreaming
In cold sweat I was reminded of the deeds
my father had me do to my brother

My father was a hard man, righteous and strong
His fists and the Bible taught me right from wrong
The bruises and black eyes made me a man
I swore I'd serve the Lord and do the best I can

My brother was a retard who did not deserve life
He killed mother at birth, and made our father lose a wife
So father and I buried him alive and left
and saved him from a lifetime of self-loathing and hate

By devoting my life to God
I'll be given a place by the ethereal throne
where the righteous reign
in higher spheres of light

One night God called for me again
Four years had passed since last time
So I packed my things and went out in the night
awaiting the next sign

I walked a long time and I entered a park
where I heard sounds of fornication
I knew what I had to do, I must follow through
to carry out God's exclamation

First I hit the man to the ground
and slit his throat with the blade in my hand
I pulled the woman by the hair to get her near
her half naked body shivered with fear

I was so angry with her so I beat her first
then I raped her once to quench my thirst
I felt so ashamed but it was the demon I blamed
and God didn't call for me in vain

I could not come when she was staring at me
so I stabbed her eyes so she could not see
But my lust was gone and this was wrong all along
so I strangled her and then let her be